Feeling safe in your relationships
Being with someone should feel safe, not scary. This page helps you spot when someone is trying to control you, and tells you who can help. It might be a boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, ex, family member or someone you live with.
You don't have to type anything or tell us anything to use this page. Just read what you need.
In danger right now?
Call 999. If it isn't safe to talk, call 999 from a mobile, stay quiet, and press 55 when you hear the recorded message. That tells the police you need help.
Pressing 55 only works on a mobile, and it doesn't send the police your location. If you can, cough or tap the phone so they know someone is there.
Things people ask
If something feels wrong, trust that feeling. Here are some things young people often wonder about.
"They say checking my phone proves they care. Is that OK?"
No. Someone who cares about you trusts you. Going through your phone, reading your messages or getting angry about who you talk to is about control, not love.
"They want my passwords and to see where I am all the time."
You never have to give your passwords or share your location to prove anything. If someone pushes you to, or tracks you without asking, that's a warning sign.
"They get upset if I see my friends or family."
Cutting you off from the people who care about you is one of the most common signs of control. You're allowed a life outside your relationship.
"They keep my money, or tell me what I can buy or wear."
Your money and your clothes are your choice. Taking your money, running up debts in your name or deciding what you wear are all ways of controlling someone.
"They make it hard for me to get to college, work or appointments."
Making you late, starting rows before you go, or stopping you going at all keeps you dependent on them. That isn't OK.
"I feel pressured into sex, or scared to say no."
You can say no at any time, even if you've said yes before, and even if you're in a relationship. Pressure, guilt-tripping or threats are not consent.
"It's only happened once. Does it count?"
Yes, you can ask for help. Coercive control is usually a pattern that builds up over time, but you don't need to wait for it to happen again before you talk to someone.
What controlling behaviour can look like
Abuse isn't only hitting. It can be words, money, phones and threats. Someone might:
- demand your passwords, or track your phone or location,
- control your money, your clothes or who you see,
- make it hard for you to go to college, work or appointments,
- put you down, call you names or make you feel stupid,
- blame you for their anger, so you feel you're walking on eggshells,
- threaten to hurt you, themselves, your pet, or share private photos of you,
- pressure you into sexual things, or make you afraid to say no.
Lots of this is called coercive control: a pattern of behaviour that slowly takes away your freedom and makes you scared or dependent. It's a crime across the UK.
What a healthy relationship looks like
- Respect. They listen to you and don't put you down, even when you disagree.
- Privacy. Your phone, your passwords and your messages are yours.
- Consent. Saying no is fine, and they check you're OK with things.
- Boundaries. You can see friends, go to college or work, and have time to yourself.
- Feeling safe. You're not scared of how they'll react.
Our Healthy Relationships & Boundaries pack has activities on boundaries, consent and staying safe online.
What you can do, step by step
- If you're in danger, call 999. If you can't speak, use the Silent Solution: call from a mobile, stay quiet, and press 55 when asked.
- Talk to someone who knows about this. Pick a helpline from the list below. They're free and confidential, and they won't make you do anything you don't want to.
- Tell someone you trust. That could be your personal adviser (PA), social worker, a teacher, a support worker or a friend. If you're 17 or under, a trusted adult can help keep you safe.
- Use a pharmacy if you can't get away. In a pharmacy showing the Ask for ANI sign, ask for "ANI" (say it like "Annie"). They'll take you somewhere private and help you call the police or a support service.
- Ask about their past. You can ask the police if a partner has a history of abuse. In England and Wales this is called Clare's Law. A helpline can explain how to do it where you live.
- Make your phone safer, when it's safe to do so. From a phone or computer they can't get to, change your passwords and check location sharing (like Find My, Snap Map or Google Maps). A helpline can help you do this safely, because changing things suddenly can sometimes make someone angrier.
People who can help
Pick whichever fits you best. You don't have to be sure it's abuse before you call.
Helping a friend
- Listen and believe them. Don't judge or ask "why don't you just leave?" Leaving can be hard and sometimes dangerous.
- Tell them it isn't their fault. Nothing they did makes it OK.
- Don't confront the person hurting them. It could make things worse for your friend.
- Share this page or a helpline number. Helplines will talk to friends and family too.
- Let them decide what to do next, and keep being there.
- If they're in danger right now, call 999. If they're under 18, tell a trusted adult or call Childline for advice.
Your privacy. Kithstep never asks you to type in what's happened to you, and we don't track who reads this page. But pages you visit can still show in your browser history. If someone checks your phone, use a private or incognito tab.
The yellow Leave this page button (or the Esc key on a computer) takes you straight to the BBC weather page. It can't delete your history, so you may want to clear it afterwards if it's safe to.
Kithstep is not a support or crisis service, and we can't reply to messages quickly. If you need help, please use one of the services on this page. Phone numbers checked 6 November 2026.